Downward Spiral

treatment for heroin addict

My life has been nothing but a downward spiral for the past few years and finally it’s starting to look up. I’d always see those commercials for treatment and thought it was a joke. I thought these were obviously actors because addiction is so low and dark and these people looked so happy, I never believed it was possible. I didn’t believe that people could smile after experiencing such darkness, I didn’t believe I would ever smile again. 

Treatment changed & saved my life. In treatment I thought the rules and waking up early and all of that was irrelevant in saving my life – in getting me clean. But after being clean for some time now – and out of treatment i see how the little things are what got me clean and are keeping me clean today. I learned accountability, I learned patience and I learned tolerance. That’s not all, but I did learn those things and all those things help me stay clean on a daily basis . I couldn’t imagine living without getting High, without drinking and now I can’t imagine going back to that life. I can’t and don’t want to imagine waking

Up sick and suffering ever again. 

by amber nagy

Getting high

Getting High was life. It was a full time job on top of all the part time jobs I had to attempt to support my habits. Every morning I’d wake up sick, because of course everything from the night before would be gone. Then the day would begin. I’d look in the same spots over and over hoping I’d find more gold, more change, more anything so I didn’t have to go work myself to get right. I never wanted to have to stoop to the things I’ve done, I never wanted to hurt the people I’ve hurt, rob the people I’ve robbed, or sold the things I’ve sold but getting the next one came over everything and even with as much pain it caused me, I was in love, this was my life and it wasn’t going to change.

So I thought, there came a point in my addiction where I was running out of resources, I couldn’t hold a job, because I’d steal from them all and not come back for my next shift. I had nothing, I became nothing, all I was was a hopeless junkie with no vision of putting down a needle and no desire to get clean in the near future. The thought of getting clean never crossed my mind. All I thought about was what will I do to get out of this hole, so I can continue to use. 

An old friend of mine who was in recovery watched me struggle and tried to help many many times, every time I said no I was okay, probably asked him for some money & when he said no, didn’t hear from him or reach out to him again. One day though, he got me – when I was desperate and sick and scared and alone – he asked me again, if I wanted help.  Like any junkie, I said “yes help me give me money”.   He refused and said if I wanted genuine help, to hit him back up.    A few hours went by, I couldn’t figure out a scheme to get high, I couldn’t find anything to sell & even my regulars weren’t around – so I was stuck, with nothing.   I called my friend hoping when he’d pick me up I’d con him into some cash, but that’s not what happened. He brought me to detox. 

At first I only stayed for the meds, I figured I’d feel straight for a few days and by then I’d come up with some miracle plan to get high again. But instead the miracle plan that happened was my friend setting me up to go to treatment after my week in detox. I went to treatment. And that was a miracle. You don’t realize how different you see life without drugs, until you’re living without drugs. You can’t imagine where your life could go until you experience it. Everyday is a beautiful day and waking up healthy and alive with all the gifts that naturally come with sobriety.    


by amber nagy

the road

Every time I think about the road to brought me to all the places and wonderful things I have today, I’d have to say it started when I sat down in detox and did my intake. When I answered questions about my drug history and drug use it was a timeline of where my life went wrong. Sitting in detox sharing stories about drug use and bullshitting about where our lives brought us to end up there made me see that I’m not a horrible person and it was the drugs that made me do all the things I’ve done – because these people have done the same. Being around all these people who’ve done what I’ve done and gotten to where I’ve gotten, made me realize I’m not alone and I can do this. 

After detox I continued to treatment and met even more people that were like me. I’ve seen myself in all of these people and i learned about myself I never thought I could. I remember the day in treatment where I felt the most growth was when I woke up and didn’t care about when I was leaving, and knew I’d get out when I’m ready and the right things will happen if I just continue to do the right thing. When it was finally time to leave treatment I was so nervous and didn’t want to leave what was comforting to me, didn’t want to leave the people I’ve met – staff and peers – i was ready to leave the only place I’ve known without drugs. But as scared and as nervBy Amber Nagyous as I was, I knew they wouldn’t have let me leave and said I was ready to go if I didn’t grow… I knew they let me complete treatment at just the right time. They’ve helped me grow and learn about life, I had new experiences I never would have imagined having and matured enough to start building my foundation. 

After that, when life starts showing up, and you’re working and have bills to pay, etc. I know if I didn’t have the foundation I built from treatment, I can’t say I’d be where I am today. Thankfully I am and I can’t imagine going back to the life I lived before this experience. 

by amber nagy

my life

The gifts and the miracles I’ve experienced in sobriety are never ending. My life was an endless revolving door around getting and selling and using drugs. I didn’t look at friends as friends and family as family, everything and anything was just means to get more drugs. I can’t even remember what it was like to use to get high, I only remember using like it was life or death because if I didn’t get anything I’d feel like I was going to die, and without drugs why would I even want to live. My thoughts were so twisted and my lifestyle was inhuman. The only way I have to opportunity to realize how twisted my lifestyle was and acknowledge how miserably I was living was with a clear mind that i was able to develop in treatment. People who never gotten clean, like me, don’t realize how in just a few days off drugs, you start thinking more clearly. It takes a little while for your body to feel 100% but waking up feeling somewhat normal every morning – was still way better then waking up physically dependent on a drug. I actually was developing a normal sleeping pattern and I actually began to eat regularly. I felt myself getting better and my thoughts became more clear everyday. Like I said, all the miracles and gifts I’ve developed clean are something I would have never imagined. But the biggest miracle of my life was finding my way into treatment and having the opportunity to begin a new life and start over. 

by amber nagy