Getting High was life. It was a full time job on top of all the part time jobs I had to attempt to support my habits. Every morning I’d wake up sick, because of course everything from the night before would be gone. Then the day would begin. I’d look in the same spots over and over hoping I’d find more gold, more change, more anything so I didn’t have to go work myself to get right. I never wanted to have to stoop to the things I’ve done, I never wanted to hurt the people I’ve hurt, rob the people I’ve robbed, or sold the things I’ve sold but getting the next one came over everything and even with as much pain it caused me, I was in love, this was my life and it wasn’t going to change.
So I thought, there came a point in my addiction where I was running out of resources, I couldn’t hold a job, because I’d steal from them all and not come back for my next shift. I had nothing, I became nothing, all I was was a hopeless junkie with no vision of putting down a needle and no desire to get clean in the near future. The thought of getting clean never crossed my mind. All I thought about was what will I do to get out of this hole, so I can continue to use.
An old friend of mine who was in recovery watched me struggle and tried to help many many times, every time I said no I was okay, probably asked him for some money & when he said no, didn’t hear from him or reach out to him again. One day though, he got me – when I was desperate and sick and scared and alone – he asked me again, if I wanted help. Like any junkie, I said “yes help me give me money”. He refused and said if I wanted genuine help, to hit him back up. A few hours went by, I couldn’t figure out a scheme to get high, I couldn’t find anything to sell & even my regulars weren’t around – so I was stuck, with nothing. I called my friend hoping when he’d pick me up I’d con him into some cash, but that’s not what happened. He brought me to detox.
At first I only stayed for the meds, I figured I’d feel straight for a few days and by then I’d come up with some miracle plan to get high again. But instead the miracle plan that happened was my friend setting me up to go to treatment after my week in detox. I went to treatment. And that was a miracle. You don’t realize how different you see life without drugs, until you’re living without drugs. You can’t imagine where your life could go until you experience it. Everyday is a beautiful day and waking up healthy and alive with all the gifts that naturally come with sobriety.
by amber nagy